You know how you read articles from those fantastic Insta-worthy women who give you their ‘how to keep your skin fresh on holiday’ handy hints or ’10 essential tips for travel’?

Yeah, this is not one of those posts. This is more of a brain dump of the crazy that is in my brain leading up to taking a trip.

I’m a bloody neurotic mess 18 hours of the day as it is, so when a holiday is fast approaching you can image that intensity becomes three-fold. I’m a self-confessed anally-retentive list-maker … I write lists for my lists. My OneNote is out of control – and in perfect order, with perfect formatting, because that’s how it must be. Always. And no one else can touch any of my lists. Ever.

Me trying to get the perfect shot whilst on holidays. Why am I not a lucrative Instagram model?

The superficial, inner-girl in me wishes this was a blog post listing my favourite products because I’d been paid to shamelessly promote them. And let it be known – if you wanna send me free stuff, I will whore the shit out of it. Within reason of course, (a girl has gotta have some morals), but damn who doesn’t want to be one of those people who posts a completely natural photo of themselves hanging off a balcony in a $500 bikini holding a bottle of cream, with the subtitle “I never travel anywhere without my fave bikinis and blah blah moisturiser”? I have no shame I tell you. NO SHAME!

Anyway, this isn’t one of those posts. I don’t have the flair or photography skills to be one of those girls (yet), nor do I have the balls to pose nonchalantly without feeling like dick. I also probably don’t care enough/have enough money/don’t budget properly to put the effort in to at least pretend that I’ve got some sort of following ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (this guy is my fave).

I actually just wanted to share some quick, honest insights for anyone going on a holiday anywhere for an extended period:

1. Pack a first aid kit – and pack it FULL with Panadol, cold ‘n’ flu, travel sickness tablets, and all that Gastro-Stop and constipation stuff. You can “ewwww” all you like, but you’ll thank me later. Air-plane food isn’t always kind to your insides. And folks – do yourself a favour and buy treatment for thrush before you leave the country. Yes, that’s right. I said thrush. And for good reason. Frolicking in the waters of the Mediterranean and spending all day, everyday in your bikini sounds like a good time … until it’s not a good time and you’ve gotta attempt to explain your downstairs symptoms in a foreign language to a handsome Italian pharmacist. Totes wasn’t me, happened to a friend of mine.
2. Make sure you pack that cute pair of shorts you’ve been hoping to fit into for the past two years, cos you’ll almost definitely wear them after a week of copious $1 bottles of beer and endless bowls of carbs. Who doesn’t love denim and thighs rubbing together in 100% humidity? #datchafelife
3. If you haven’t already, figure out which side of your face is the good, photogenic side of your face. And then remember that shit when you’re posing for a photo. And don’t let anyone try and make you pose with your ugly side. You stick to your guns. Or just turn your back in every photo, like I did above.
4. Dress nicely in case they upgrade you. Pfft. Eff that. Dress in your comfiest clothes for the flight. Unless you’re a minor/major social media celebrity, you don’t have a chance in hell of getting upgraded on a packed flight overseas. Or maybe that’s just my luck cos I’m always dressed like an absolute slob.
5. Drink a minimum of one beer at the airport and tap the outside of plane twice before you walk on. IKR right? The plane-tapping is a superstition I picked up from my father. As he has had a scary AF experience on a plane and lived to tell the tale, I just follow suit. And the beer … that’s just cos I love it.

Happy holidaying! I’m off to Singleton this weekend. Not all of the points above will apply, but point 5 definitely will.