This post originally started like all the others – me ranting about a first world problem.

To be specific, I was ranting about how playing music in bathrooms should be the law (elaboration below) and somehow my entire blog ended up focusing on toilet etiquette and annoyances. While I kind of look at this and think, Jesus mate, you need a life, I also think it’s relatable, and if even one person can walk away from this and change one habit I’ll be happy.

I’ll be happy for like, a second. Not really. This is legitimately just a whinge piece with a heap of contradicting and hypocritical thoughts and ideas. If you’re hoping for something profound, you’ve come to the wrong place.

There’s also a lot of poo chat and gross toilet talk. Sorry not sorry.

My first point (and the catalyst for this post) is something I always think about in the bathroom. I remember hearing Em Rusicano talk about it on her radio show – why don’t they play music or nature sounds or something in ALL communal toilets? Especially at schools and in workplaces. So many people get toilet pride (don’t act like you don’t) and don’t want anyone else in the room knowing they pee or have bowel movements. So what do people do? They hold it in, or shove 500 kilos of toilet paper in the bottom first to stifle any potential sound. This is extremely un-environmentally-friendly, is dangerous to your health (the holding it in bit) and bottom-line stupid. Think of those poor little kids at school holding it in because it’s “embarrassing”. Won’t someone think of the children?!

Solution = play music at an appropriate volume to take the edge off. Happy days.

This is obviously coming from a females perspective. I can’t speak for men regarding this issue, because I rarely use men’s amenities … except on the odd occasion where I’m lining up like an absolute PEANUT in the chick queue at Nobbys Arc, while the men’s toilet stays vacant for ten minutes. And then I finally throw my hands in the air and say “fuck this shit” and storm into the men’s toilets. I either walk out five minutes later to a line of girls who are contemplating doing the same thing, or to the confusion of a drunk guy saying “you know that’s the dude’s toilet”. EAD mate.

Disclaimer: I’ve got to say this, because otherwise it’d be irresponsible – ladies, be careful if you’re entering the men’s toilet domain. Not just because it’s covered in boy germs, but for safety reasons as well. A girl on her own walking into a toilet filled with five dudes may not always be a desirable situation. Just saying. Not finger-pointing or shaming men or women … do you see what’s happening here? We live in a world where everyone just spends their days getting offended or apologising, so I feel the need to say everything carefully, without upsetting anyone. It’s exhausting – just be nice to each other! Anyway, back to the important toilet stuff …

Flushing

Women who flush the toilet before they sit on it … STOP. DOING. THAT. I have noticed that so many people in my work building do this the minute they get in the cubicle. While I understand this behaviour if there’s a giant turd in there, I am guessing that most of the time, it’s out of habit. Surely there isn’t something in the toilet every time you walk in? Do they do it to cover the sound of them peeing/shitting in the toilet? If so, then please re-visit my point about playing music in bathrooms. The flush doesn’t go for long enough anyway and it’s wasting water so just KNOCK IT OFF.

Lid etiquette

I am torn over this issue. While I agree men (or any standing pee-person, I ain’t judging) should put the seat down, I think everyone needs to think twice before putting the lid down. When I have to touch the lid, it makes me want to vomit. Even if I use toilet paper to touch the lid first – it’s still vom-worthy. Especially in communal toilets. However, I understand the lid is there for a purpose … can I just ask you think for a split second before you slam the lid down with every fibre of your being? Is it entirely necessary or are you just doing it out of habit? Think of the poor bastard after you who has to walk in either a) deal with a pungent aroma or b) have to lift the lid covered in your dirty germs. Make your choice wisely! 

Hygiene and cleanliness

Washing your hands. That should be ingrained in all of us by now and yet I see people doing it incorrectly EVERY SINGLE DAY. FYI, you wet your hands first. Not soap first. It’s water – then soap – then water. And do it for 15-20 seconds at least. Sprinkling your hands under plain ol’ water for five seconds does not count.

Please put your paper towels and other waste inside the bin. Again, sounds simple enough, but the amount of times I see people just throw it in the general direction, miss and then leave it on the ground astonishes me. Stop being a spoilt, self-entitled dickhead and pick up your shit.

In summary:

Okay, let’s just do a quick revisit of what Hannah would like in a perfect world:

• play music/podcasts/nature sounds in toilets at appropriate volume level
• stop flushing before you do your business (flushes are permissible if there is grossness in the toilet)
• yes to putting the seat down, weigh up the situation and think of others when it comes to putting the lid down
• wash your hands properly
• put your paper towels and other rubbish inside the bin

If you actually made it to the end of this rant, you’re a bloody legend, who also doesn’t have a life.

Cheers, Hannah x