Yes, you read that correctly.
Sunday did not quite end how I planned (with a cup of tea prior to a power nap in the air-con). I went to prepare overnight oats and instead I found maggots and weird moths in all my ingredients. I ended up throwing out pretty much anything that wasn’t sealed in airtight packaging and blasting the whole cupboard with disinfectant, all while screwing my face up and dry-retching.
I feel like the bugs are on me. Yuck.
Don’t worry. They’re not. I killed all of those suckers (I hope). Right now, I am sitting at the dining room table. Josh has gone to bed and I am trying to pull together a post on a Sunday evening. Technically speaking, posting a blog late on a Sunday night isn’t the smartest idea. Who the hell is going to be awake to read it? Nevertheless, I promised myself I would post another write-up before the week was out and in true Smith fashion, I have left it to the last minute. Plus we’ve had maggots, so that’s great content to write about.
I have been working on the goals I set for the month of February. I have been writing more; researching more; trying to figure out how to do things I’ve always wanted to do for my blog. I’ve been training and trying not freak out in my new role at work; I’ve been good with my food and I managed to attend a Muay Thai event at a tavern and not have one drop of alcohol … things are good.
But they’re not good everywhere. For instance, they weren’t so good in my kitchen a few hours ago (and it makes me sick to think how long those bugs have been having parties in our cupboard *vomit). My anxiety has been ever-present for the past week, I’ve felt extremely emotional, haven’t slept all that well and have been over-thinking every little thing even more than I normally do.
I know that my life has been a bit unpredictable and scary (for me) lately. My job has changed and therefore, my days aren’t as straightforward as they used to be. That might work for some people (like journalists and stockbrokers), but not for me. This gal right here likes routine, regularity and knowing what the hell I am doing. I get anxiety when Josh and I talk about the future – and by “the future” I mean our careers and where we should live next (not marriage and babies FFS). I get anxiety when people around me are upset or going through struggles (which is crazy, because this is inevitable). Their problems weigh on my mind, even after they’ve stopped thinking about their problems. For some reason, this has been affecting me a lot more than usual. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I stress about everything so much that I can’t sleep or hell – sometimes can’t even enjoy the most simple things because I tear it apart with analytics.
And I know I’m not unique in this situation. Not for one minute do I think I’m the only person struggling to make sense of what goes in their mind and life everyday. But some days, I do wonder if everyone else thinks as much as I do. All the time, about everything. Do other people get anxious and nervous driving to work or answering their phone? Do other people walk around with the constant feeling of butterflies in their bellies or worry that when they’re talking to people, they come across as boring or bossy or snobby or weird? Cos I do. Sometimes I wonder why I blog or post photos or do anything on a public platform. It seems like the complete opposite of what someone who doesn’t like attention and gets anxiety should do.
As usual, I don’t have any answers. This week, I’ve just been trying to bring it back to basics: some days are good, and others are not so good. Some days I feel pulled together: I eat well, I train, I’m delightful to be around and I like myself. Other days, the magic is gone. I don’t workout as hard as I should, I get stressed out about work, I cave and eat sugar, I might get so anxious I cry and then I go to bed beating myself up for being a hypocrite full of self-doubt. That probably sounds very dramatic, but you get where I’m going.
We all go through it. We all have good and bad days. At the end of those good and bad days, all I can do is try and take the positives and attempt to be better the next day. At least I can aim to do that.
Plus side to the week that has been: my pantry is clean, neat and clutter-free and I got throw out all the useless, out-of-date crap that Josh had been hoarding.
See? I’m finding positives already.
Nighty night x