‘Twas the night before my 30th birthday and all through the house …

Not a creature was stirring, not even my anxiety.

I can’t believe it. I’ve reached the birthday that so many seem to dread, the birthday that so many younger people think means your life is “over” – and I don’t feel anxious. Ordinarily I’d be in a cold sweat, dreading attention and hiding from anything that signifies me being another year older. I thought I’d be stressed about the impending doom of wrinkles and sunspots on my face, grey hairs (which are appearing btw) and a metabolism that is definitely slowing the fuck down.

But I’m not.

Despite how up and down the past few weeks have been for me, right now in this moment, I feel good. I am excited for my birthday celebrations, rather than feeling sick about them. I feel optimistic about the future, rather than thinking “it’s all downhill from here”. In the past few years, I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot more than I thought I would and made some positive changes to my life as a whole. I’ve got some amazing people around me (like the girls in the photo of this post) and whilst I’ve still got a hell of a long way to go in terms of learning and growth, I am going into my thirties with a smile on my face.

And yes, I am entering my thirties childless. Shocker.

Whilst a woman without children in her thirties is not groundbreaking, it appears that some people will always feel the need to comment on it. Whilst getting my flu shot today, I had the man giving me my injection ask me if I had any babies. I happily responded with a “no” as I stood up, to which the man leant in and whispered “you’re thirty tomorrow”. Cheers mate.

Life can put us in all kinds of situations.

Awkward situations, like the one I had today (in hindsight, the situation was pretty funny and I don’t think he was purposely trying to cause offence). Things in life can cause offence and be confusing; we can sink to the lowest and darkest of places. Life can be awful and horrendous, it can be sad, confusing and cause us pain. I’ve definitely experienced some low times lately.

But it can also be good.

It can be wonderful, and filled with laughter and joy; it can make you smile so much your face hurts and give you all of the feels. It can make you laugh at someone’s almost certainly innocent comment about children, even when you thought you couldn’t and make you feel elated when you’re about to enter a new decade of life.

For anyone who might be in a weird, dark, confusing, painful place right now, please keep going. There is hope and good things to push through the bad times for. I promise. As always, if you think you might need help, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

I’m off to spent the rest of my birthday eve sitting in a spray tan like old times, drinking beer and watching the Titans play, like the fickle, childless supporter I am.

Han x