I think I’m in for this year’s Bachelor Australia.

I’ve been playing catch-up thanks to Ten Play as I was busy stuffing my face in the land of pizza and pasta when the season aired.

Whilst I usually hate the first episode of this show due to the weird and ‘quirky’ things the Bachie producers make the girls do (read a poem, give a gift, show up in a wedding dress, bring your own red carpet catwalk – whatevs), I also found myself laughing and picking my faves out already. Assessments of the people I actually took notice of are below for anyone also invested after two episodes. Spoilers ensue.

The Host

Let’s kick this off with the most important and valued member of the cast – the one and only Osher Gunsberg and his magnificent hair. He is why we all watch this show. He is beautiful and dramatic and perfect. He looks amazing in suits and casual clothes. And his beautiful hair is unwavering. He also re-shared an Instagram story of mine and said, “The hair and I thank you x” – and it made my bloody day.

And superficial stuff aside, his podcast and his open conversation about mental health makes him my hero.

The Bachelor

Matt gets my tick of approval. Although he appears to be somewhat of the biggest nerd ever, his politeness and genuine dislike/dismissal of people bringing up star signs like they’re a real thing, made me like him all the more. He’s Clark Kent. He’s someone you could take home to meet your mum. He’s not the Honey Badger. Win, win, win. Go find love Matt, you big cute nerd.

The Original Girls

• Helena – the first girl to meet Matt. Honestly when they interacted I was ready to call it there. She’s a babe, speaks French, she didn’t have some stupid gimmick and they played the nice, serenading music the whole time. She’s obvs a contender.
• Elly – after her little marshmallow act I decided she was also another one of my fave contenders. Plus she’s a nurse. I do have concerns that she wants to just travel forevs and is only 24, but whatevs, it’s about stage and not age and all that.
• Abbie – loved her ‘yep, yep, cool, awesome’ response when she got a rose the first time. Although I am not a fan of astrology, it was pretty clear her “I’m a Gemini” response was edited to make it sound like the situation was awkward. We all know the majority of us non-physicists probably would have responded with something similar. What even is an astrophysicist anyway? I like her cos she’s sensible and has amazing eyes. Imagine the eyes her and Matt’s children would have.
• Emma – clearly this year’s ‘stage-five-clinger/stalker’ personality. Every season has one and some poor sucker has to wear the label. Although I have little sympathy –  when these ladies go on this show, they must know this a risk. Everything they say can and will be used against them. Some of it is editing, but the producers aren’t making you say how much you love someone after knowing them for five minutes over and over again. She needs to calm it down, but also keep it up cos it’s entertaining AF.
• Vooka – she’s a laugh, not a serious contender.
• Rachael – I ain’t gonna lie: I like her. She’s bitchy and dry and makes me laugh for being so cold. She’ll make a decent villian. Also, I don’t like mentioning people’s physical appearances too much, but her lips are just so distracting. Seriously. So distracting.
• Sogand – fucking stunning. Thought she was the actual perfect human being until I finally saw a minor flaw in her getting all possessive after her date with Matt. Her saying ‘I’m his favourite Persian Princess’ annoyed me. I know the environment must make people crazy, but keep it together woman. You’re a stunning, chemical engineer and this dude clearly likes you (he also likes making out with lots of women when he can from what I can tell, but just ignore that).
• Chelsie – I think she’s cute and smart, but kinda boring. She’ll probably go far.
• Kristen aka China Woman (or whatever her friends call her) – I am impressed with her fluent Mandarin skills. Learning that in school was SO HARD so hearing her do it so well blew my mind. But I think she’s got crazy eyes. Also, the music they play every time she mentions China or even enters a conversation seems mildly racist or something. It’s kinda weird.
• Mary – kind of got annoyed with her until towards the end of episode two when I realised she was making me chuckle. I don’t think she’s a serious contender, but she has some funny one-liners.
• Nichole – gangster Gold Coast chick. You can tell cos she rides bikes and shit. And people wolf-whistle at her … she’s confident/cocky/arrogant and she also think’s Monique the new girl is her doppelganger, but shorter. Uhhhh, not quite (in my opinion). My initial impression was ‘no, stop it’, but by the end of episode two I thought she was a pretty okay bogan chick who made me laugh. She can stay.

None of the other girls made that much of an impact so I have left them out. Sorry. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Nichole: “She looks like me, but shorter”

Everyone else: #TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/jC3mxXdXWN

— ret (@Retta_Potterfan) August 1, 2019

The New Girls

• Monique – her face is too perfect. I’m not even jealous. The fact that she’s a lingerie designer was a bit eyeroll for me. How convenient she has a business that needs promoting, but I guess more power to her. I also like that she’s rocking the boat cos she’s hot. That’s what I’m here for.
• Jessica – who is this chick?! I spent every second she was on the screen with my brow furrowed wondering where the hell I have seen this girl before. I stalked her on Insta and found she’s a makeup artist with a pretty solid following of over 270K, but cannot for the life of me place where I know her from. Has she been on another reality show? Anyway, I don’t have an opinion cos I just kept thinking about her familiar face.

Can’t remember the other new girls.

Bring on week two, where I can see myself recording, using Ten Play and rearranging work priorities to keep up-to-date. I love me some trash TV.